Vampire Girl

This one is weird, even for me. You were warned.

It was evening, before bed, and I was feeling agitated. Work, loneliness, general angst, you know. The youzhe. Having an early start the next day, I wanted to conk out early and have a solid sleep, so I took my usual supplement of 400mg magnesium, also adding melatonin, which I rarely take.

I was slipping into bed when I remembered that I’d also taken my magnesium supplement after dinner, so I’d accidentally taken twice as much as I normally do. Well, it’s just magnesium, I thought.

Let me diverge from the story for a second for a quick Japanese culture fact. Oh yeah, for new readers: welcome! I live in Tokyo. That’s gonna be relevant in a sec. Anyway, there’s a practice called “ona-kin” (オナ禁) in which you abstain from masturbating to increase your mental clarity. It’s short for “onani kinshi” (オナニー禁止), “masturbation prohibition.” “Onani” comes from the biblical figure Onan, who invented the sin of wanking off because he wouldn’t nut inside his dead brother’s widow. Kinda goated Christianity lore. Anyway, this is like “nofap” in the West, but maybe a bit more mainstream. For example, it wouldn’t be unheard of for a white-collar worker to ona-kin for a few days before an important presentation. There are a few apps available to aid this practice.¹

One of the supposed benefits of ona-kin is a boost in luck getting laid, which of course is why I was doing it. And of course, it was doing absolutely nothing to aid me in this endeavour. That didn’t stop me from persevering. At the time of this story, I was on day 19 of ona-kin.

The reason, its proponents claim, that ona-kin helps you get laid is it raises your testosterone and overall horniness levels, making the shape of your swagger and the cut of your vril more appealing to women, who deep down in their lizard brain want a virile man to get them pregnant. So they say. Well, I can attack this from multiple angles, I figured, so I was at the time also experimenting with boosting my testosterone with a supplement of zinc, vitamin D, and various vegetables and seafoods which Japanese people on the internet claimed to be libido boosters.

If you’ve ever tried fasting, you might be familiar with the mindset shift that occurs. Your lower brain forces you to see things in a different light, because your brain is working full-time to figure out what needs to change to find some food before you die. “That’s not working, so let’s try something new.”

The very same thing happens during ona-kin, except of course you aren’t trying to figure out how to get food, but to get a nut off. As I approached week three of this regimen, anything woman-shaped drew my singular attention. If I were to crawl naked on all fours, I’d be indistinguishable from Half-Life’s Gonarch, and if you were to detach my pendulous package from my body and throw it, it would explode like a water balloon, instantly impregnating the sidewalk. A deeply divine truth became clear to me. Your body, asserted my lizard brain, is a machine that turns women into pregnant women.

So, let’s recap. In the past 12 hours I’d taken 1000 IU of vitamin D, ~50mg of zinc, and several servings of home-cooked dick-hardening stir fry. I also took 0.3mg of melatonin and 800mg of magnesium, both well-known for their dream-enhancing properties, and the latter also known for its libidinal side effects. And I hadn’t busted a load off in 19 days. The stage was set; you could faintly hear the sound of the orchestra tuning up as I drifted into slumber.

I don’t remember how the dream started, but somehow I end up at Yoyogi Park. There, I meet a girl. Japanese, mid twenties, sporting jirai-kei fashion.² We hit it off, exchange LINE contacts and agree to meet up later. Nice.

I get back to my place and I just get in the door when the doorbell rings. I’m not expecting anyone so I look out the peephole, and it’s the girl. She must’ve followed me home.

Before I can do anything, she whips out some tools and starts picking the lock at insane speed. It’s the fastest lock-picking I’ve ever seen. I’m terrified, holding the door from the inside, but it doesn’t matter, because she gets out the electric drill and starts pulling the lock assembly off the door. I’m holding the knob, but it detaches from the door in my hands. Now she’s pulling the whole door right off the hinges. Oh fuck, I’m dead.

I stand there, eye-to-eye with her, and she gives me a look. I immediately understand what she’s here for, and that she’s not gonna take no for an answer. Hm, ok, I might be into this. My fear dissolves. Instead, I’m kinda turned on.

I grab her by the waist and we start dancing in my apartment. We make out for a bit, then she bites me playfully on the neck, and that I’m definitely into. But she bites harder. And harder. She draws blood, and I yelp. Hey, what the fuck? Without saying anything, she pulls back and grabs me by the shoulders. She opens her mouth and shows me her teeth. Look at this, she says. She tilts her head back and somehow extends her canines downward about 15cm.

Apparently she can just do that.

I’m like uh, no. But in an instant she jerks her head backwards and fucking shoots her canines out of her mouth, into my hands like nails from a nail gun, throwing me back against the wall and pinning me to it.

I struggle to free myself, but I can’t. She playfully walks over, looking satisfied. She extends a pinky finger and I see that it’s been sharpened into a point. With one smooth swipe, she cuts my clothes down lengthwise and they fall to the floor, leaving my skin unharmed. Then without breaking eye contact, she carefully undresses herself.

She wants to toy with me. She giggles and runs the sharp corners of the void where her left canine used to be along the veiny length of my petrified quivering manhood. She wraps her arms around me, pressing her body against mine and smiles warmly, looking up to gauge my expression: fear. Pain. Impossibly turned on. In turn, I can see on her face that playtime is over.

I’ll summarise what happens next: I hang helpless from the wall, and she fucks me viciously in ways that defy both human anatomy and Euclidean geometry.

Having juiced me thoroughly, she calmly puts her clothes back on and politely excuses herself. “しつれいします.”

Just as she’s gone, a friend unexpectedly shows up. He steps over the fallen door and sees me naked, bleeding, bruised, crucified against the wall, thick puddles of efflux all over the floor, cock flapping gently in the summer breeze, and with complete nonchalance says:

Then I woke up and ran to the toilet to shit my fucking brains out.

What can we take away from this?

1. There is something very wrong with me.
2. Do not double your magnesium dose if you haven’t jerked off in three weeks.
3. If you are a woman who is in or near Tokyo and would like to help me re-enact this scenario in real life, please email me immediately.