Chad Vision
What’s male friendship? I’ll tell you. It’s you and the boys standing in a mountain cabin backyard. You wanted to have a campfire but there’s a burn ban due to dry weather. That doesn’t stop you from standing around the empty fire pit. You’ve all had a couple brewskis and nobody here normally smokes, but tonight you do. You take a deep suck and hold back a cough because you don’t want to look like a lameass in front of the boys. Everyone else is doing the same thing. The nicotine hits like Hulk Hogan slapping you in the face. In a good way. He does it because he cares about you and doesn’t want to see you being a sadass. Now you can say you got slapped by Hulk Hogan, brother. The chicks will love that. You open your eyes as you feel the blood vessels in your head constrict. Suddenly you have CHAD VISION. You realise that all your friends are actually really hot. Look at Mark’s jawline, dude. What a specimen of a man. What a chiseled lot of studs we all are. Your dick twitches a bit, not in a homoerotic way. Ok maybe in a slightly homoerotic way. But mostly because you’ve unlocked a primal blood memory.
You see it from a God’s-eye view: grass swaying slightly in the breeze. The ground trembles faintly. A rumbling sound echoes from beyond the hills. You and your bros are on horseback, leading the Mongol army - the most powerful military force the world has ever seen. A guttural war cry starting from your testicles and bellowing out through your diaphragm echoes like that legendary burp you let out after dinner that one time. Mom took your phone and sent you to your room without dessert. She’ll never understand the way she was holding back your gorilla power.
The territory you and the boys are soon to capture is led by a weak and benighted tyrant, and will fall easily. The men will greet you as liberators; the women as endless spigots of superior genetic material. You will all sire a thousand children, and ten thousand grandchildren, even the kinda chubby one. Especially the kinda chubby one. He will roll off his horse and smoosh his enemies with his preponderant mass. He will keep rolling and gather the entire village in his gravity well, as the rest of us and our loyal soldiers dismount awestruck and bellow the Katamari Damacy theme song a cappella. He will be spoken of in the oral traditions for eight thousand years as the tale of Jayden the Spherical. That’s the power of the boys.